If you know us, you know that our child at nearly (gasp!) 10 months does not sleep through the night. Not even close. Most experts say that children this age should definitely be sleeping through the night, for about 12 hours. HA. Our child wishes to wake at least every 3 hours, sometimes even less. Nothing we have tried has worked - he just isn't a sleeper. One night last weekend I decided that if he should be sleeping through, then sleeping through he would. I mean, doesn't every parent want their child to be exceptional or at least, average?
Theo woke up after being asleep for about 2 hours. When he wakes, he doesn't just fuss - he cries, hard. This child never cries during the day. He might fuss or voice some complaint over his face being washed or being relegated to his walker while we do a chore, but never cries. Anyway, I went into his room and tried rubbing his belly, "shh-ing" him, singing, etc. All the things the "experts" promised would help a wakeful child back to sleep. None of it worked. As his mama, I knew what he wanted. He wanted to nurse. I knew that would calm him yet I continued to stand there like an idiot, trying in vain to lull him back to sleep while he cried and looked at me with a look of heartbreak and confusion. This went on for a few more minutes when I finally got some clarity. WHY the hell do I give a damn what he should be doing according to some people who have never met my child? WE are the ones who know him, who love him and who comfort him. "They" (whoever "they" are) might be experts, but they aren't the experts on our child. No one is. No one will ever know Theo like we do. In that moment, the "experts" made a fool out of me with all my belly rubbing, shh-ing and off key singing.
I picked Theo up and hugged him and we sat down in our chair. I latched him on to nurse and he immediately calmed down. I looked at my son though the darkness of his room, his little hand resting on my chest, his foot kicked up on my shoulder like it always is when he is nursing and his eyes closed, happy at last to be right where he needed to be. I wiped one of my tears off his chubby little cheeks and apologized for letting some "expert" second guess what I know to be true - his comfort, his trust in us is what matters. Not a clock. One day all too soon, I won't be able to comfort him like this (at least, I hope he isn't still nursing in high school!). One day all too soon, his little heart will break and we won't know immediately how to make it better like we do now. I know we will all hate that more than anything. So for now, we will miss a little (a lot) of sleep and I will deal with trying to nurse him while he pokes me in the eye, digs in my armpit, sticks his fingers in my nose, pulls my hair and whips his head around to say hi to the dog without unlatching first. I will deal because in the still of the night, I am reminded why I fought so hard for this battle - it's not just milk and it's not just for him. It's for me, too.
Susan and I might be tired, but we are experts on Theo. And as far as he is concerned, that's all that matters.
i absolutely loved reading this post.
ReplyDeleteYES YES YES! You said this so beautifully! I have been reminded again and again lately how well I know my child, regardless of what "they" say he should do. When he calls to me in the middle of the night, it is because he needs something, even when that need is that he wants me. He is asking for me to make it right, and every time I try, I reinforce his trust in me.
ReplyDeleteI was second-guessing myself, talking to my sister about maybe I should try harder to get him to sleep, let him try to work it out on his own. She said, "that is silly, when an adult is crying, do you tell them to just work it out? Or do you try to help them in any way you can?" Why do we expect tiny babes to do more than adults?
And from what I can tell, I have exactly 2 friends whose kids sleep 12 hours straight, and one was due to the kid's personality and one was because she let him cry, so I would say not to believe all the babies are sleeping!
What a wonderful post! And an excellent reminder to trust your own parenting instincts. Thank your for posting this.
ReplyDeleteAw, thanks you guys. And yes, Amy - I have said the same thing. No one in our house cries alone. I wake up during the night sometimes and just want to be closer to Susan or need to tell her something and if she told me to go sleep in another room and work it out myself, she would find her belongings on the front yard. Why would I treat my child this way if that's not how we do things in our home?
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