All done.

Dear Theo,
Last week, at 16 and a half months old, you and I decided to end our breastfeeding relationship. I've tried to write this since then, but wanted to be able to do it justice and be able to write it without crying. I hope I can now.

When I was pregnant, I figured I would try to nurse you for at least 6 months, but hopefully a year. The rounder my belly got, the more determined I became. Then you were born. Leigh Ann the midwife helped us get started and I remember her saying, "now, you don't get to munch munch on your mama's nipples like that!" and from then on, we referred to your bad latch and non-nutritive sucking as "munch munching." The beginning was brutal. You cried, I cried, Susan looked helpless and wished she could do something. Your latch was shallow, I was bleeding and in the worst pain of my life. We enlisted midwives, lactation consultants, friends, relatives, anyone that had been successful. I was diagnosed with a rare condition and was put on medication just to get through it. We used nipple shields, breast pads, Boppy pillows, lanolin, heating pads, cold pads - you name it, we used it. And still, we soldiered on, you and I. Everyone kept saying to just hold on for 2 weeks and it would get better. It felt harder than graduate school, it felt harder than childbirth, it felt harder than anything I had ever done before. But, we kept going. And then, it did get better. Not in two weeks, but in six. After six weeks, I was feeling more confident and you were turning into a happy little butterball.

1 year, 4 months, 1 week and 1 day and we have nursed everywhere. In the mall, in fitting rooms, in California Pizza Kitchen (the first time I nursed in public!), at the pool, on the beach, at home and on vacation. At the park, in the Pikkolo, at Easter on Parade, at the Wright Brothers Memorial, at the museum, in church and at LLL meetings. In the car (parked and while someone else was driving), outside in the rockers, on the couch, in our bed, at your grandparents' house, in doctors' offices and at the lake for the 4th of July. And most of all, many times in our chair in your room. And countless, countless other places. We've done it everywhere and anywhere you needed and done it proudly.

For the first 6 months, you had nothing but breastmilk. I look back at your pictures and smile at those chubby thighs, knowing I grew them all by myself. At six months, you started munching on some solids, but still preferred what you had always known. You started eating more as you got older, but were still nursing pretty often until you were a year old. You have never once had even a drop of formula.

Once you turned a year, I looked down at your sweet face nursing one night and realized there was nothing magic about being one year old. You were the same baby you were the day before who still needed your "milky" so, why stop? I decided I'd let you take the lead. For four more months you continued, but our sessions dwindled. Happy and confident, you had a world to explore and nursing seemed to take up your precious time when you could be chasing the dogs, reading books or playing with your toys. Eventually, you only wanted milky right before bed. That was my favorite time. We would sit in our chair and you would nurse and play with my hair or necklace and just get very relaxed before bed. I would read you stories and sing two songs and you eventually learned that at the end of the second song, it was time to go in your crib. You always seemed so heavy and sleepy, it was like magic.

A few weeks before we ended, Mama got pregnant with your little sibling. Nursing got harder as I felt worst in the evening. Things were sore and uncomfortable again and it was reminicent of our early days together. Around this time, the before bed nursing time got shorter and shorter, possibly because my milk was drying up. I knew it was ending. And the last night we nursed, as I struggled to keep you engaged, I looked down at you and told you it was ok if you were done. I was glad you had hung in there as long as you had but understood if this wasn't something you needed anymore. And I really think you understood.

The next night, I told your mom to try putting you to bed without me and see how it went. You went down without so much as a second thought. Like a big boy. I went outside and cried. I was SO SO proud of us, but sad too. Breastfeeding has become a part of who I am and who I am to you. Losing that defining part of our relationship was harder than I thought it would be. It made us special. You and I were doing something that no one else could do. I know we are still special. We will always be special, even though breastfeeding is becoming lots of wonderful memories instead of part of our daily life. I always said I would make it about you and I did. You let me know that you were done and I wanted to honor that. There was no big fanfare and no last picture. In like a lion and out like a lamb.

I miss it. I miss that time with you. I'm so thankful that you have started to lay your head on my shoulder while I sing you our songs before I lay you down. I hope you aren't too busy for that for a long time. I am thankful that breastfeeding has kept you so healthy and made you so smart and strong. I'm thankful every single day of your life that I didn't give up. It was the hardest, most difficult and most incredibly wonderful thing I have ever gotten to do.

As I reflected on our journey together this morning, thinking about the hard early days, having to give up every single food except chicken and mashed potatoes and never being able to be separated from you, a beautiful song came on the radio. I cried again and wished you were there to hug.

I hope if you have a wife someday that you are as big a support to her and your mom was to me. I hope your children will be able to experience this with their mother like we have together. I have loved every minute of it, baby boy. Thank you for sticking with me and making the experience so rewarding. I love you, more than you could ever know.

Love,
Mama

"But it's no sacrifice at all ..." Elton John

Egg huntin'.

We took Theo to his first community Easter egg hunt today. It was nicely done, at the park right up from our house. They had the kids grouped by age and Theo was in the 0-3 set. They had some inflatables (too little) and some food that made me want to gag (but would have otherwise loved) and Theo had a great time just walking around. When it was time for his group, everyone lined up. Now, there were about a trillion eggs in a big field for the little guys, so everyone was sure to walk away with more than a few eggs. Theo, being 16 months old, didn't really understand the concept. Susan tossed 4 little eggs right in front of him so that I could help him and explain what we were doing. Next thing I know, some doofus is telling his (older) son, "here little shmoopy, get one of those eggs." Seriously. He's a year old, people were leaving with 5 times as many eggs and he's going to take one from a baby??? I shot him a look, which he either didn't get or didn't care about and then reached down and took an egg. I wanted to punch him, but as Theo didn't really get the deal anyway, I let it go. I guess next year we will have to practice. Who knew egg hunts are so cutthroat??

He had a good time anyway. The weather was cool, which was nice as I picked up his little outfit at a major steal at Snottery Barn Kids last year and was happy he got to wear it. He loves just being outside wandering around, so it was a great time for him.

Kid update!

Theo

Is 16 months old! Susan and I agree that we are really enjoying this age. He's just learning SO much and becoming such a fun little person. He's starting to talk which is awesome. He has about 8 "words" but his clearest word is also his newest: "on." He points up to a light, ceiling fan, light switch and says as clear as a bell, "on!" It's the cutest word on the planet when said by our darling boy. Susan got it on video today, so probably on the 1st day of kindergarten, I'll get it uploaded here. Take my word for it, it's cute.

He lives to play outside. He walks to the back door and signs "please" at least 12 times a day. His prized possession is the little green car his Gran and Grandad got him for Christmas that he cruises the neighborhood in. We have to spell the word "car" because when he hears it, he runs to the garage door and bangs on it to go for a ride. Mostly he putters around the yard when we go out, looking up for planes and listening for dogs. Today I got my first break in nausea all day right around 6:30, so I took him outside and let him play for a long time, not caring that he would get into bed late. Time with my baby boy is way more important than strict schedules.

His second love is books. While I am thrilled to death with this, I must say, I sometimes grow weary of reading. I bet we read to him 30 times a day. No lie. What's weary is that it's only about 6 books that he likes to hear. I could recite them all and am sick to death of them. We do it, of course, because he loves it so much but I'm glad we can redirect with some outside time now instead of reading Mama, Mommy and Me for the 800th time.

He eats well, still willing to try most anything. He's also taking solo naps now! While we both loved napping with him, we knew it had to end. In the fall he will have a sibling and it's not like we could tell the baby to go watch TV or something while we took a few hours to take a nap with him. So, we consulted Sleep Lady and got to work. It was actually really easy. Going to sleep in his crib was never the issue, it was staying asleep longer than 45 minutes. We worked on it for about a week and now he does great! We also went back to 2 naps a day. He just doesn't seem ready to give up the morning nap and actually sleeps better for naps if he gets two. So, he averages 2-3 hours of napping time a day, split between two naps. Just fine by us.

He's still nursing! Only right before bed, but he usually goes for quite awhile. It's getting a little tougher as the girls are pretty sore from pregnancy, but I am determined to stay with it. I don't want to take it from him before he is ready.

Mickey

This is what we are calling #2. I thought he looked like Mickey Mouse in the ultrasound pictures, so that's what we went with. Not a lot to report yet. The first u/s went well, heartbeat was 158 and he was measuring a day ahead. I have the 12 week NT scan on 4/12 and our first prenatal appointment at the birth center the following day. I feel really sick and terrible almost every waking moment. I won't lie, it's been really hard. It takes a lot of time away from Theo which makes me feel terribly sad. Of course, Susan takes excellent care of him, but I like taking excellent care of him. I miss him terribly and look forward to feeling like myself again soon. We got a doppler from a friend, but it's still too early to hear the heartbeat. Hopefully by next week! Cravings change from day to day, but since 95% of the time all food sounds disgusting, I tend to eat whatever, whenever. This means Susan and Theo make many a journey in the little green car to the grocery store next door. Lately it's been strawberries dipped in chocolate.

Otherwise, we are doing fine. We are all excited for the warm up we have had over the last few days. Today I packed up Theo's sweaters, heavy coats, snowboots, hats and mittens and unpacked brand new polos, madras plaid shorts, bathing suits and sandals. So, that means it will probably snow again next week. I relish the time outside with my boy, especially when I am feeling halfway decent. I can't wait to get him a water table to splash around in, I know he will love it. Next weekend we are taking him to an Easter egg hunt and I can't WAIT. I don't care if I have to be drugged and Susan has to carry me the whole way, I am not missing it, puking or not. I'm hoping tomorrow we might get to the park and even get the diapers out on the line to dry. Glory!

Hope you are all well and looking forward to spring as much as we are!

Coming soon.