After I returned to my office, I looked at the pictures of Theo on my desk. Big round eyes, huge smile, big, squishy cheeks. I looked at my son and felt how much love I have for him and nearly began to cry at the thought of someone making him feel like my young patient felt. And, it's entirely possible, given that he has two moms. Of course, we talked about this before we decided to try for him. We talked about how we would raise a confident child that would be able to shirk off any teasing comments without a second thought. How we'd be the "cool" parents that all the kids wanted to hang with as a way to keep our son safe. But really, how can any parent ensure they will raise such a child? My young patient had a great mom, an excellent advocate who had done everything right. And her child wanted to harm himself. The thought of Theo wanting to do that to himself is more than I can bear.
Have we done our son a disservice? We wanted so badly to be parents, but did we want it at any cost? I hope not. I hope that by the time our dimpled little babe is in middle school, he'll be one of many kids with same sex parents. I hope he will still be as he is now, happy as a clam, without any worry who cares only that he has two parents who would go to the end of the world just to make him happy. Who love him more than words could ever say. I hope, I hope. I hope that will be enough.
This will get long....
ReplyDeleteKids are mean. If they aren't teasing the short boys they're teasing the girls with no boobs (ahem, hi, that was me)...it's horrible and sad and I cried a LOT, but it helped that I had parents who told me what to say and even called the principal once to stop the worst of it (and despite my HORROR at that action, and how I begged them not to do it, it DID stop, I never heard another mean thing).
Just, we can't always control whether or not our kids feel pain (and that sucks so, so bad), but we CAN control how we react to the mistreatment and teasing, and we can teach them what to say and assure them that other kids tease because they are insecure about themselves. Doesn't make it ok, and it doesn't make it hurt the teased child any less, but it's an effort.
I hated the boy who teased me for SO long...probably too long, lol. I was angry and hateful every time I walked past him in the hall, all through high school. I wondered if he even knew who I was...did he remember harassing me on the bus? Did he feel bad? Does he now? Sometimes Facebook suggests I add him as a friend (because we have mutual friends) and I wish I could "hide" that feature.
Thirteen years later, I don't hate him anymore. Sure, little twinges of hurt are still there. But I wonder if he was as mean as he was because he was teased, too. Maybe instead of wanting to hurt himself, he wanted to hurt others? Or maybe he had a crummy relationship with his parents?
Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter. I was a good kid...a nice (albeit dorky) kid. Teachers loved me and I made friends easily. I came from a loving, supportive family with whom I had a great relationship. Still got teased. I don't think Theo having two moms makes him at any higher risk of being teased than kids who come from "nuclear families," or kids who come from single-parent households. Having two awesome, confident, compassionate moms may even put him at an advantage! He will be a fun, confident, compassionate child who will grow into a fun, confident, compassionate adult. He couldn't have it much better. Love will be enough.
I'm so sorry your patient was feeling that and experiencing that. I too wish I could protect my children and struggle with how I will handle the difficult things they experience in life.
ReplyDeleteParenting is hard.
Every parent worries about these things, I would imagine. Camden is going into middle school next year... Yikes! He's already been teased here and there. Not a lot, but isn't ANY too much? It IS hard. You try your best as a parent, but you always worry. I worry even more with him going into middle school. Something changes between elementary and middle, it seems, doesn't it? I worry about him being bullied. And I even worry about him dishing it out. I haven't taught him that at all, but there comes a time when they listen to people other than their parents. (Scary thought.) Peer pressure and what others think will soon carry a heck of a lot more weight than it does now. I think parenting can be such a scary and emotional ride, regardless of whether the parents are the same sex, opposite sex, whether there is just one parent, multiple, etc, etc. I hear what you are worried about, and it's valid. I also think that children can be bullied about almost ANYTHING. There's always something that someone can pick out. I know it's not uncommon anymore, but I even worry when I write "The Adkins Family" sometimes..b/c Camden's last name is different, though he clearly is a huge part of our family, being my child (and Ryan sees him as his own).
ReplyDeleteI worry every day that I am teaching Camden how to handle all the things that could come up and make him second-guess himself. It doesn't get easier.
Great post. I think what everyone said is to true: there will always be something that makes us different from others, and therefore "at risk" of being bullied. I think it's totally natural to worry about Theo- and to worry about everything! Will he get teased? Will he be successful? Will he eat enough veggies? You are a loving mama, and by raising your son with that much love and concern for his happiness, you are giving him some great gifts. He will be confident and secure enough to handle himself with any situation. But it doesn't make the worrying go away, I know. Keep doing what you're doing- you and Susan are amazing parents. If only all the kids you (we) worked with were as lucky as Theo...
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