On completing the family.

I hesitated about posting this, but this is above all supposed to be a documentation of our life's journey. So, here it is.

When we got married and starting planning for our family, we imagined three children. The details of the who and when changed as we rode the wave of fertility and IUIs. About 7 or 8 months ago, we decided to start trying for our last baby. We worked with a great RE and Susan responded really well to the treatment. Alas, it seems that a pregnancy was not meant to be. Lucy's pregnancy and delivery was so difficult (and I sustained an injury during delivery that is still not healed 16 months later) that me carrying again is out of the question. I honestly don't think my body could handle it again. After several months and lots of dollars spent, we decided it was time to stop and move on.

I am sad for Susan because she really wanted the experience. I'm sad for me because I wanted to experience delivery from the sidelines for once! I also wanted to see what a baby with the same donor would look like with Susan's DNA. And, I really wanted a brother for Theo. The rest of my feelings are positive. We have our hands full. We have one of each and they are perfect. We can do a LOT more with two kids than with three. I have always felt that we owe our best to the kids we already have. With two, we will be able to say a whole lot more "yes" to them. And while their growing up is at times inexplicably painful, we can also see the light at the end of the tunnel in terms of moving beyond babyhood and enjoying them as little people. We are planning a Disney cruise for two years and can't wait!

We've traded in our van for a sedan. I'm selling the carseats I'd bought to fit three across a backseat. I've started selling piles and piles of baby clothes I'd held onto for the last addition. In July, I'll sell all of our baby stuff at the big consignment sale. I won't lie, I get a lump in my throat thinking of it. I love babies. All I ever wanted was a baby and I waited a long time for one and now it's just ... over. It's almost cruel how fast it goes. But, I'd be sad if we were stopping with 2 or 20 when it came time to sell off all the stuff. Finality has never been something I am good at. I do not think in absolutes, as Susan can attest. I like open doors and cracked windows and "maybes." So, it's hard, but it's necessary.

And interestingly, I feel like our family is closer as a result of this decision. Almost as though we were leaving our little family circle open to welcome another and now we have closed it up tight. We are finished and we are moving forward, together.