So, I met with Leigh Ann, the midwife who delivered Theo. She's moved on from the birth center, but I knew where she'd gone and she was the only one I cared to discuss these issues with. During Theo's epic 31.5 hour birth, she was uh-ma-zing. She knew when to encourage and when to push. She never seemed ruffled. Most of all, she hung in there until the very end. She was the first person to put hands on my son, the person to guide Susan in how to assist with his delivery and the first person who ever told him, "oh, you are a really nice baby!" I bet she's delivered skillions of babies and she probably doesn't even remember my delivery (though she always pretends she does!), but I will never forget her. She left her thumbprint on our family and quite literally delivered us one of our most precious gifts.
All that to say, she's my girl when it comes to matters of the lady parts. She was with me for an hour and a half yesterday and do you know what she spent most of that time talking to me about? Lucy's birth. She wasn't there for it, I wasn't even a birth center patient at the time. I re-told the story, same way I have many times before, but the difference was, she really heard me. She heard me say that I was scared, out of my mind with pain and that my only memory of the whole thing was hearing I couldn't get an epidural and that the cord was around Lucy's neck. She heard me when I said the midwife present for the delivery yelled at me, assumed I was being wimpy when in fact I WAS ready to deliver only 45 minutes from the start of the pitocin drip. She heard me when I said the pain was so great and the experience so traumatizing that I will never get pregnant again. She understood when I told her how hard the pregnancy was, how I didn't get the right kind of medical support for the pregnancy and how difficult the post-partum period was with a very difficult newborn. She really got how this was supposed to be my redemption birth. The quick, unmedicated, textbook one. The one I painstakingly planned for with Theo and didn't get. She was there for that one, so she knew why I really wanted Lucy's birth to be different. How sad I am that I have basically no memory of it. Theo's was long, but there are many things I remember. I can close my eyes and see his face pop out in the mirror. I can remember exactly how it felt when he was handed to me. I remember words everyone said. I don't have that for Lucy and Leigh Ann cried when I told her that.
See this awesome picture? I assume my sister took it because she had the camera, but I don't remember. This is obviously when I first laid eyes on Lucy, I am reaching out to touch her, but I don't remember it happening. I know she cried, loudly! I know she peed on me when I was holding her. I have some memory of afterwards, but very little of the during.
Leigh Ann thought a session or two of therapy could be useful to process these events. I told her no. I mean, how could I possibly complain? I'm at work today and I have to walk all of 10 feet to see lots of lots of reminders that a healthy baby is worth absolutely ANYTHING you have to go through to get there. I'm lucky. Beyond lucky. Still, I get what she was saying. But today, I think that just talking with her yesterday was really helpful and I'm good. She had been the one person I really wanted to talk to afterwards, it just took me nearly 20 months to get there.
Midwives are incredibly special people. I'd recommend midwifery to anyone who was pregnant. The care they deliver both during the pregnancy and after is so helpful. And yes, it was a midwife who delivered Lucy. I recognize that I just got one that wasn't the person I needed at that moment. Maybe others found her style helpful. Any of my pregnant friends or mom friends, I hope you find your way to someone as special as Leigh Ann. Even though it's been 3.5 years since she delivered Theo, she's still my girl.
(And if you are in Durham and in need of care - email me and I'll give you her info!)
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